My Mind is a Scary Place

Got a doctors appointment at 10.15 this morning... i've had a bad back over the past couple of weeks and it's reached a stage where i'm just struggling to do much, even sleep.
Everynow and now, but more and more recently I start shaking and feel very light headed, and I have a headache which keeps attacking the very top of my spine, very very top, or bottom of my head. This hurts so much sometimes it makes me feel sick.

And over the past two days I can't eat too much or I begin to feel sick. Mum reckons I might have a kidney disease, which can't be good...

On top of all this i'm 11 days late for my period, but still getting stomach cramps. I'm not worried about it though, it's a bit weird, but when I had the implant in my arm the woman told me my periods would be erratic... or even completely stop.

I forgot to mention but the 8th was Gaz n I's six-montha-versary, he had to work from 7-6 with 2 hours sleep. So I cooked him tea (chicken fillets fried in butter and herbs until brown, then put in the oven, with pouches of honey roast ham with cheese in the middle pinned on top with toothpicks... very nice) after he had tea I gave him a full body massage, I even went in to town specially to get the massage oil, the only bottle I could find was in boots and was lavender and cedar wood but oh well. After the massage was...well. I can't write that.

After that we had a nice bath, i'd put the towels in the dryer so they'd be warm when we got out (which meant me sprinting down stairs naked to get them) after that was more things I can't write, then we watched a movie snuggled on the couch eating Ben 'n' Jerries Icecream.... overall, a very good night.

And now I better go get ready to go to the doctors...

I don't like this stick thing in my arm... since i've had it I keep going all hormonal and mood swingy...

I've had a really bad back over the past week, and last night it was hurting so bad I couldn't sleep... then this morning I was ok, but then I slipped on my way down the stairs and banged it again. So i've been on the couch all day... but i've been alone all day too... Gareth got up early to watch cricket and has had sports all day... cricket, american football, regular football...

The family is in Wales somewhere in the caravan... I've just needed someone to look after me *looks pathetic* I hate needing to be looked after....

So i've looked forward to seeing Gaz all day, if just for a hug and kind words... but then he rang half an hour ago and said he was going to band practise and won't be back until late... so I said ok... because you know, it's band practise he has to go and I don't want him to stop doing things because of me....

So I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge and saw custard, yum, looked in the fruit bowl so I can have bananas and custard and there's no bananas....

So here I am sitting alone crying because there's no bananas in the damn fruit bowl.

soooo we got an ISA... well I got an ISA, because we can't have a joint one. But he'll just give me the money to put in the account, so far we have £40 in there... we put our spare change together and have another £17 to put in, plus £100 coming from me because I lost a bet with him...

*ahem*

Yes, he bet I couldn't go a week without having sex.

It's not good that I lost... he stayed over last night and the first thing he did when he got in bed was get naked... what's a girl supposed to do?

Anyway, we're both going out tonight with his Grandparents, they've given him their old car (which to be honest isn't THAT old, it's quite spiffy) so he's treating them. I'm looking forward to it because we're going to a posh restaurant and we're dressing up... which means I get to wear my new dress, which is bootiful.

So again, it's been a while. I've not been online so often, just enough to check my emails and keep people on MySpace happy. Speaking of myspace, a band added me the other day http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=58503581&MyToken=6a8fa387-4eeb-433f-b52d-8b2adeccc273 and I have to say, I really enjoy their music. So I put them in my top 8, and in return they've put ME in THEIR top 8.

I feel like such a dweeb saying it, but the mere fact they did that made me quite happy!

Mum and I have been getting on a hell of a lot more these days. I made a concious effort to do something about it, and woo. It's working... plus now i'm 18 she appears to have taken on a "Phht, she's an adult now she can do what she pleases" view.

Which means there's less trapped-in-a-cage feelings and more whee-i'm-free feelings. Always a good thing.

Gaz has told me he wants to marry me, and I decided to be a hypocrite and say ok, but in a few years... so I guess i'm unofficially engaged. I havn't told anyone though, because I yelled at my cousin for getting engaged too young... hence the deciding to be a hypocrite bit... though to be fair she got engaged at 16.

Our plan so far is to apply to university this year, go next year. I'm going to work this year and do charity work and what-not. We're opening a savings account for four years so we can go to Australia. If we like it enough we might stay there and live.

He seemed really excited and happy about this prospect when we were talking about it... but now that i've gone ahead and booked an appointment at the bank so we can get a joint savings account, he seems to have changed his mind... I guess things got a little too realistic for him, 6 months isn't a long time to be with someone I realise. It does seem alot longer though, we have literally spent every day together since day one.

Not necassarily a good thing but I can't remember being so happy... a cliche but it's true, I really can't, no matter how hard I think back. Which in itself upsets me a bit. Ironically.

I'm going to suggest we both get one of those ISA accounts Abbey National is doing right now. That way if a few years down the line we're fed up of eachother, money won't be an issue... we can't have a joint ISA account i've already asked, the government won't allow it. Probably because it's tax free on interest.

I went on the site, and if I put in £2O a week for the next 4 years i'll have £4187.80... if Gareth did the same, we'd have a good 8k to go to Australia with... who knows by then we might have changed our plans. Unfortunately money plays a huge part in life in general, so at least it'll be there if we need it.

Gareth had said he had £50 pounds spare each week, and he'd been meaning to stop spending it, so if he put that in over 4 years (which I highly doubt he would, bless.) he would have £10434.40

Mum has said she won't make me pay rent if I put some money away for university too... so I could end up putting more then 50 pounds a week.

Yay for tax free interest!

YES! I finally remembered my password... oooh yeh.

What can I say, things aren't going so well for me at the moment, but when are they ever?

Saying that there's one thing I need to get out of my system... GAZ IS INCREDIBLE... I think I may actually be falling for this one... and those who know me well know that's a big deal. I've never been in love before... just in like.

Ok, that's it... I could go on and on and on and on about him, but I won't, I must restrain me.

In other news, i've been argueing with mother dearest alot over the past year, and even more so over the past month, it's affecting my college work, it's making me ill, and I can't talk to her anymore. I'd like to say that it's me, which is a bit weird I realise, but i'd be happier to admit that i'm wrong then to admit that everything i've noticed about her is true... the fact it's near christmas makes it somewhat more difficult to handle and the amount of times i've near broke down crying at college or at work is stupid.

But what can I do? I'm 17, I need to complete my A levels, get a good job and start life somewhere... I don't want to have to move out and start working longer hours in order to keep up with rent etc and get bad grades, but these days all I can think about is getting away, i've tried everything else.

I don't know what to do other then keep my head down until i've completed my A levels, by summer i'll hopefully have a better idea of what to do.